I'm worth my weight in content as a digital marketer, writer/editor, misanthropic socialite and self-proclaimed Facebook statustician.
I work as an account supervisor at Twist Image in Montreal, where I PM digital projects of all shapes and sizes.
In my spare time I contribute my monthly Digital Drama Queen column to The Charlebois Post and am the proud co-organizer of the Montreal Girl Geeks. Read more about me »
When I searched on iStock for "email" and "silly," Bigfoot on a Laptop came up. How could I resist?
Every now and then a friend points me to some massive missive I wrote them ages ago and waxes nostalgic or ironic about its contents. It seems I’ve written some pretty epic emails, a few of them practically have LOTR-style soundtracks.
Most recently, I was served up a beast from 2005 wherein I let off a little post-MA job hunting steam with a silly list of faux employment priorities. Given where I am in my career now, I thought it was hilarious to read what 2005 Liesl was jokingly looking for in her first “real” job.
Excerpted below in order of importance:
1. Kitsch Value.
No joke, I actually just applied for a proofreading position for Harlequin romances. My interview preparation will consist solely of earmarking the words “bosom” and “shaft” in my thesaurus.
2. Vacation Time.
“How much vacation time will I get?” is the very first question I ask in an interview. Answer usually generates prolonged sulk and desire to move to Europe.
3. Location
Namely proximity of work place to bouncy castles and/or derelict warehouses. A busy gal’s gotta get firearm practice in somehow.
4. Sexual Harassment Policy
Preferably weak to non-existent.
5. Dress Code
Ultra-casual: if I can’t wear My Little Pony flannel PJs to work, I’m not interested. Also, crossing my fingers for “Naked Fridays” (see item 4 above.)
6. Free Indoor Parking
I may not own a car, and I can’t even drive, but I need underground parking for illegal solicitation, loitering and shady political dealings.
7. Flexibility
Management that won’t complain when I decide to upgrade my cubicle to a hot tub with built-in entertainment unit and mini-trampoline (also, if there’s space, a sliding desk).
8. Salary
I refuse to accept anything that is not paid to me in cash, in a brown paper bag.
9. Benefits
I refuse to accept benefits that do not fit in a brown paper bag.
10. Office Supplies
Infinite stock of company branded brown paper bags.
…and then I go on to bemoan the dehumanizing experience of unemployment and drift into an in-depth study of the idiosyncratic germophobia and karaoke obsession of my then-roommate in Toronto.
It’s neat that there’s this prolonged period during which emails to friends are the best chronicle of my life. But now with social media, I’m not doing as much of the one-to-one longform messages. There are plus and down sides to this I suppose, but regardless (and as the period between my last blog post and this would not-so-subtly suggest) I know that I need to get back to some more writing.
Oh, I never did get an interview at Harlequin, but thanks to Roget I still know plenty of synonyms for “bosom.”
I saw this post and I must confess I’m a little jealous of Montreal developers. And not just because we’ve all seen “The Social Network” by now so the secret is out: development is clearly pure sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. Task lists include: line of code, line of coke, bang groupie in bathroom stall (if this is not actually the case, I’ll have to write an angry letter to Mr. Sorkin).
No, that’s not why I’m jealous today. It makes me somewhat annoyed that my softer skill discipline doesn’t lend itself to cool, Google or Facebook sanctioned competitions like hackathons. So as I told Dimitry Zolotaryov over at WebIT, I think a PM-athon is in order.
But let’s face it boys and girls, such a thing would probably consist of a track and field type obstacle course involving thrilling activities like the following:
1. Speed ballpark estimating
Making up numbers faster than you can count.
2. Phone tag tug of war
Congratulations, you now owe me a call! 3. Synchronized emailing
Blitzkrieg replying is an artform. 4. Hunting for resources
Is your SysAdmin on a smoke break, gone for lunch, working from home or hiding under someone else’s desk? 5. 15K PowerPoint presenting
Only one can survive this marathon boardroom long distance endurance event.
6. Competitive motivational nagging
Panel judging awards points based on strictly regimented criteria.
7. Downhill cost control
Wrangle that budget into shape! 8. Critical path jumping
Timeline too aggressive? Do you REALLY need specs? Make a few experimental changes to process and hope for the best. 9. Freestyle synonyms
For such turns of phrase as “How Long?”, “When?”, “Deadline” and “Change order”.
So what are you waiting for, PMI: let’s get on this!
Congratulations to Sad Baby Pumpkin (SBP) for having the WTF muscle to beat out all other contenders to win the iStock Comedy 3: Battle of Geddes-burg. You’d think that’d make SBP a little happier, but no….
It’s getting colder and darker, which can only mean it’s time for a little more iStock Comedy! You’ve voted on quite a few bizarre images in Vote for iStock Comedy & iStock Comedy 2: Royalty-free Revenge, but this time round I thought it’d be fun to tackle a theme.
So in this third instalment, I’m getting my own back for all the Facebook friends* who’ve basically turned my news feed into the social media equivalent of a coast-to-coast baby monitor. Seriously, if you scroll through my friend list, you’d think by the profile pic icons that I’ve been hanging out at an awful lot of daycare centres. So until FB develops baby recognition software, my retaliation is to offer up the weirdest stock baby photos for your voting pleasure.
*Are you my friend? Do you have an infant (or two)? Of course I couldn’t POSSIBLY mean you & yours. Your family is totally the exception, and without that 200th picture of your baby eating creamed spinach I couldn’t possibly have wrapped my head around the sheer, overwhelming cuteness. It’s all those OTHER Facebook friends cluttering up my feed with bonnets, bottles & babies…
Here’s a recap on how iStock Comedy works:
Every now and then, you’ll perform a routine search for royalty-free images on iStockphoto.com and a little gem of WTF comedy gold springs up on your screen. I am certainly not the first to identify silly stock photos, but these will be my methods:
You get to vote for your favourite! (Poll closes on Sunday, October 31at 11:59 PM, because I celebrate Halloween with creepy iStock goodness). Post your reasons/debate the virtues of your pick in the comments.
Images that try too hard or are purposefully “silly” (e.g. people making stupid faces) are disqualified.
I purchase the images (where I can, sometimes weird iStock photographers demand exorbitant numbers of credits) because stuff this awesome deserves to be freed of watermarks.
So without further ado, here are the strangest iStock baby photos I’ve seen. Bear in mind that contributors want these images to be profitable and sell, why else would they be on iStock? So the greater the absurdity and the less marketable the image, the funnier it is.
Baby in Puppy Dog Costume
Name: Baby in Puppy Dog Costume
iStock Photo Description: Feeding time for the puppy.
Downloads: 10
Select Keywords: Baby, Costume, Dog, Halloween, Child, Puppy, Dog Food, Pet Food, Dog Bowl, Feeding, Spotted, Animals Feeding, Pets
Why Vote For It:
Um… because it’s a baby in a puppy dog costume!
Finally settles bottle vs. breastfeeding debate: dog bowl FTW
“Spot” must be among top 100 baby names of 2010
Bone = perfect teething solution
What’s Holding it Back:
Not yet housetrained
Cruelly turned down by the SPCA Adoption Centre
In all its weirdness, it’s still pretty cute
Angel Fairy Baby with Wings and Flowers Isolated on White
Name: Angel Fairy Baby with Wings and Flowers Isolated on White
iStock Photo Description: Cute baby with wings and floral tiara, surrounded by flowers..
Babies caught making apple pie late at night are way better than those lazy, sleeping babies
More hygienic than cartoon rat chefs
Crisp, clean uniform
What’s Holding it Back:
That flour pile is a storm just waiting to happen…
Surprise is for the weak, babies should expect pesky parental interruption at any time
Infant in a Pumpkin
Name: Infant in a Pumpkin
iStock Photo Description: This is my daughter in a pumpkin I carved last year. In this image she is 1 month old and as content as a child in a pumpkin can be.
Downloads: 20
Select Keywords: Halloween, Child, Baby, Costume, Pumpkin, Autumn, Jack O’ Lantern, Toddler, Babies Only, Baby Girls, Trick Or Treat
Why Vote For It:
Photographer’s description confesses to blatantly using own daughter for iStock profit
Similar to those “how many squares do you spot in this image?” quizzes, only with jack o’ lanterns!
Jack Skellington is clearly her father, and he’s pretty bad-ass
It bears repeating, “she is 1 month old and as content as a child in a pumpkin can be.”
What’s Holding it Back:
Not quite Halloween enough. Needs additional pumpkin(s).
Daughter realizes embarrassing photos of her not only all over Internet, but sold as royalty-free images = easily won emancipation suit
Sad Baby Pumpkin
Name: Sad Baby Pumpkin
iStock Photo Description: Sad little Baby Pumpkin, can’t find his way back to the pumpkin field.
Downloads: 10
Select Keywords: pumpkin, sad, baby, halloween, decoration, antique-looking, ceramic
Why Vote For It:
Part baby face, part pumpkin, all sad!
By the sacred tenets of gang tattoo symbolism, Sad Baby Pumpkin has killed 2 people: you don’t mess with SBP!
Takes Anne Geddes to the next level of creepy anthropomorphism
