So in this third instalment, I’m getting my own back for all the Facebook friends* who’ve basically turned my news feed into the social media equivalent of a coast-to-coast baby monitor. Seriously, if you scroll through my friend list, you’d think by the profile pic icons that I’ve been hanging out at an awful lot of daycare centres. So until FB develops baby recognition software, my retaliation is to offer up the weirdest stock baby photos for your voting pleasure.

*Are you my friend? Do you have an infant (or two)? Of course I couldn’t POSSIBLY mean you & yours. Your family is totally the exception, and without that 200th picture of your baby eating creamed spinach I couldn’t possibly have wrapped my head around the sheer, overwhelming cuteness. It’s all those OTHER Facebook friends cluttering up my feed with bonnets, bottles & babies…

Here’s a recap on how iStock Comedy works:

Every now and then, you’ll perform a routine search for royalty-free images on iStockphoto.com and a little gem of WTF comedy gold springs up on your screen. I am certainly not the first to identify silly stock photos, but these will be my methods:

1. You get to vote for your favourite! (Poll closes on Sunday, October 31 at 11:59 PM, because I celebrate Halloween with creepy iStock goodness). Post your reasons/debate the virtues of your pick in the comments.
2. Images that try too hard or are purposefully “silly” (e.g. people making stupid faces) are disqualified.
3. I purchase the images (where I can, sometimes weird iStock photographers demand exorbitant numbers of credits) because stuff this awesome deserves to be freed of watermarks.

So without further ado, here are the strangest iStock baby photos I’ve seen. Bear in mind that contributors want these images to be profitable and sell, why else would they be on iStock? So the greater the absurdity and the less marketable the image, the funnier it is.

Baby in Puppy Dog Costume

Name: Baby in Puppy Dog Costume

iStock Photo Description: Feeding time for the puppy.

Downloads: 10

Select Keywords: Baby, Costume, Dog, Halloween, Child, Puppy, Dog Food, Pet Food, Dog Bowl, Feeding, Spotted, Animals Feeding, Pets

Why Vote For It:

• Um… because it’s a baby in a puppy dog costume!
• Finally settles bottle vs. breastfeeding debate: dog bowl FTW
• “Spot” must be among top 100 baby names of 2010
• Bone = perfect teething solution

What’s Holding it Back:

• Not yet housetrained
• Cruelly turned down by the SPCA Adoption Centre
• In all its weirdness, it’s still pretty cute

Angel Fairy Baby with Wings and Flowers Isolated on White

Name: Angel Fairy Baby with Wings and Flowers Isolated on White

iStock Photo Description: Cute baby with wings and floral tiara, surrounded by flowers..

Downloads: 9

Select Keywords: Baby, Fairy, Flower, Single Flower, Angel, Costume, Crown, Sadness, Tiara, Artificial Wing, Child, Cherub

Why Vote For It:

• Angel + Fairy + Baby + Wings + Flowers yet still somehow resulted in an adorable FAIL
• Palpable awkwardness & discomfort
• All that pixie dust and “Sadness” is still a keyword…

What’s Holding it Back:

• That baby does NOT want to be in the shot
• There’s an angry little old lady somewhere missing a whole pile of plastic flowers
• Future therapy bills & lawsuit

Young Boy Holding Skull

Name: Young Boy Holding Skull

iStock Photo Description: Young caucasian boy holding large skull

Downloads: 1 (i.e. only mine)

Select Keywords: Baby, Costume, Bizarre, Spooky, People, Clothing, Halloween, Mausoleum, Nasal Cavity, Human Jaw Bone, Eye Socket

Why Vote For It:

• Because “eye socket” HAS to be a popular search query
• Baby’s face reads front-page tragedy, skull reads post-Halloween Dollarama bargain bin

What’s Holding it Back:

• Piltdown Man precedent may raise suspicions over skull authenticity
• Skeleton hoodie in poor taste, dented skull’s feelings
• Oral hygiene clearly a problem for the deceased
• Fog machine juice running dangerously low…

Little Baker

Name: Little Baker

iStock Photo Description: little boy in the cook costume at the kitchen sitting on the table. Special toned photo f/x

Downloads: >20

Select Keywords: Chef, Baby, Child, Cooking, Domestic Kitchen, Food, Bakery, Bread, Small, Offspring, People, Hat, Eggs, Milk

Why Vote For It:

• Babies caught making apple pie late at night are way better than those lazy, sleeping babies
• More hygienic than cartoon rat chefs
• Crisp, clean uniform

What’s Holding it Back:

• That flour pile is a storm just waiting to happen…
• Surprise is for the weak, babies should expect pesky parental interruption at any time

Infant in a Pumpkin

Name: Infant in a Pumpkin

iStock Photo Description: This is my daughter in a pumpkin I carved last year. In this image she is 1 month old and as content as a child in a pumpkin can be.

Downloads: 20

Select Keywords: Halloween, Child, Baby, Costume, Pumpkin, Autumn, Jack O’ Lantern, Toddler, Babies Only, Baby Girls, Trick Or Treat

Why Vote For It:

• Photographer’s description confesses to blatantly using own daughter for iStock profit
• Similar to those “how many squares do you spot in this image?” quizzes, only with jack o’ lanterns!
• Jack Skellington is clearly her father, and he’s pretty bad-ass
• It bears repeating, “she is 1 month old and as content as a child in a pumpkin can be.”

What’s Holding it Back:

• Not quite Halloween enough. Needs additional pumpkin(s).
• Daughter realizes embarrassing photos of her not only all over Internet, but sold as royalty-free images = easily won emancipation suit

Sad Baby Pumpkin

Name: Sad Baby Pumpkin

iStock Photo Description: Sad little Baby Pumpkin, can’t find his way back to the pumpkin field.

Downloads: 10

Select Keywords: pumpkin, sad, baby, halloween, decoration, antique-looking, ceramic

Why Vote For It:

• Part baby face, part pumpkin, all sad!
• By the sacred tenets of gang tattoo symbolism, Sad Baby Pumpkin has killed 2 people: you don’t mess with SBP!
• Takes Anne Geddes to the next level of creepy anthropomorphism
• Reminiscent of first iStock contender, Sad Orange
• Definitely has the WTF Factor

What’s Holding it Back:

• People keep mistaking him for a vegetable, making fruity Sad Baby Pumpkin (SBP) even sadder
• “Pumpkin field” (as opposed to patch) destroyed in fire, SBP will never find his way back

And that’s it! Vote now, and remember to check back after Halloween to find out which iStock baby picture wins!

Recovered Profits: Angry Comedy Gold

Well, the Angry Piechart takes the cake this iStock Comedy round, with 43% of the votes. Hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day, preferably chock full of Recovered Profits, Cross-dressing Dads and Naked Astronauts.

Every now and then, you’ll perform a routine search for royalty-free images on iStockphoto.com and a little gem of WTF comedy gold springs up on your screen. I am certainly not the first to identify silly stock photos, but these will be my methods:

1. You get to vote for your favourite! (Poll closes on February 13 at 11:59 PM, because I [heart] iStock Comedy this Valentine’s Day). Post your reasons/debate the virtues of your pick in the comments (or suggest your own contender, if you dare).
2. Images that try too hard or are flagged as “silly” (e.g. people making stupid faces) are not considered.
3. I purchase the images (where I can, though this installment had two pricey numbers) because stuff this awesome deserves to be freed of watermarks.

So without further ado, here are three of the strangest iStock photos I’ve seen since last time. Bear in mind that contributors want these images to be profitable and sell, why else would they be on iStock? So the greater the absurdity, and the less marketable the image, the funnier it is.

Recovered Profits

Name: Recovered Profits

iStock Photo Description: Piecharts are indicators of the profits or losses in businesses. The angry piechart represents the losses that suffocate us. The pawn [with a piechart piece under his arm] and the queen have recovered a part of the investment thanks to their ability and efficiency.

Downloads: 8

Select Keywords: Chess, Pie Chart, Businessman, Business, Blue

Why Vote For It:

• Has the production values of an episode of Square One TV
• Makes little sense without the description
• Chess + Business + Pac-Man Nod + Statistics = Mixed Metaphor Win!
• Infinite chessboard for super long chase sequence
• Pawn looks awfully chuffed with himself
• 2 Credits makes this an affordable iStock find

What’s Holding it Back:

• Stakeholders unimpressed with stolen piechart piece’s impact on bottom line
• Angry Piechart moves into bargaining stage of grief, proves better negotiator than chess pieces

Cross-dressing Dad

Name: Cross-dressing Dad

iStock Photo Description: Family gets shock when they return from the shopping trip.

Downloads: 4

Select Keywords: Change, Guilt, Cross Dressing, Humor, Embarrassment, Sexual Activity, Surprise, Lifestyles, Family…

Why Vote For It:

• Cartoonish pyramid of protected eyes
• Dad rocking his look just a tad more than mum
• Explains every awkward family dinner iStock photo
• Clothes piled in the left corner suggests Dad’s normal attire reassuringly butch

What’s Holding it Back:

• Conservative America
• Shame
• 20 Credits: That’s enough to make a cross-dressing dad want to burn his borrowed bra!

Naked Astronaut

Name: Naked Astronaut

iStock Photo Description: Photo of an astronaut standing naked in a barren wasteland, covering himself with an American flag.

Downloads: 9

Select Keywords: Astronaut, Bonneville Salt Flats, Desert, Landscape, American Flag, Humor, Environment, Space Helmet …

Why Vote For It:

• Two words: Naked Astronaut
• All the pride of “I’ve conquered this for America!” meets all the shame of the standard-issue naked-for-school-assembly nightmare
• Spaceman fighting losing battle against The Elements
• Shiny, bulbous helmet
• Intriguing combo of space/birthday suit
• Oddity potentially spacey enough to lure Bowie back to the bi side

What’s Holding it Back:

• 20 Credits: That’s 10 Angry Piecharts/Recovered Profits!
• HAL
• Modesty: let that freak flag fly, Mr. Astronaut!
• Worse NASA hazing rituals to come

And that’s it! Vote now, and remember to check back on Valentine’s day to find out which iStock gem stole our hearts!

Bras of "Many" Colours (runway photo by Shattered Image Photography)

Millions whimsically played along, while a few detractors grumbled in the corner. Then, there was the usual round of aftershockers who (perhaps because they missed out on the first-round fun) posted socially aware messages in lieu of hues (donate here, post this instead, breastfeeding is good, etc.) Some criticized the campaign for deliberately locking men out of the fun (and perpetuating the incorrect assumption that only ladies get breast cancer), and many cultivated semi-mock outrage over the triviality of the campaign. What’s the point? How does this help? Right! Stop that, it’s silly. Very silly indeed.

Well, as we’re all trying to out-goose each other, I’d like to add my own ridiculous complaint to the mix:

What is up with the poor selection of bras on the market?

‘Black, blue, pink, red, beige, white and none,’ read the statuses in my feed…

What, no puce? No battleship grey, Bondi blue, burnt umber, goldenrod, vermillion or wallflower? It’s enough to make a girl want to burn the darn thing.

Do I fault the imaginations of women the world over or should I start sending letters to Victoria’s Secret? They should take a cue from cosmetics companies (now there is an industry clearly in possession of cutting edge synonym technology).

Social Investigation

Clearly, getting women to mention their unmentionables was a much-needed inquiry into the sad state of affairs that is the average lingerie line-up. All this cunningly disguised as an awareness campaign for… I forget.

But at least we can trust whoever got the ball rolling to take action: we’ve done our part, now lobby those retail giants into a greater spectrum of colours in their palettes!

Periwinkle.

• Green apple in a sea of red apples = standing out from the crowd
• Man on top of cliff with outstretched arms = freedom
• A bigillion generic (but culturally diverse!) pictures of business people

Every now and then, you’ll perform a routine search for images and a little iStock gem of WTF comedy gold springs up on your screen. I am certainly not the first to identify silly stock photos, but these will be my methods:

1. You get to vote for your favourite! (Poll closes on Dec. 24 at 11:59 PM). Post your reasons/debate the virtues of your pick in the comments (or suggest your own contender, if you dare).
2. Images that are flagged as “silly” (e.g. people making stupid faces) cannot count.
3. I purchase the images (where I can, “Eat” being a notable exception) because stuff this awesome deserves to be freed of watermarks.

So without further ado, here are five of the strangest iStock photos I’ve seen in recent weeks. Bear in mind that the funniest are the most random or obscure because contributors want these images to be profitable and sell, why else would they be on iStock? (Note: the download count includes my own.)

Sad Orange

Name: Sad Orange

iStock Photo Description: Fork put into an orange with sad face.

Downloads: 5

Select Keywords: Orange, Depression, Sadness, Metal, Pierced, Aggression, Problems, Peel, Fork …

Why Vote For It:

• It’s having a bad day
• Literal description
• Highest number of downloads = most profitable
• White background for easy editing & manipulation
• Fork = maverick utensil for orange consumption

What’s Holding it Back:

• Clinical depression
• Nasty wounds

The dragon has three heads

Name: The dragon has three heads

iStock Photo Description: Three headed dragon made of sausages.

Downloads: 2

Select Keywords: Sausage, Isolated, Food, Fun, Dragon, Food And Drink, Meal, Meat, Snack, Humor, Food And Drink Industry…

Why Vote For It:

• Horse, yes. Dog, sure. Dragon: bit of a stretch.
• Regardless, “The dragon has three heads” is a kick-ass name!
• Wiener Cerberus = Trailer trash spin on classic mythology
• No expense spared: multiple sausages used to create masterwork of wurst (masterwurst?)

What’s Holding it Back:

• Uninspired keywords (could corner the ever-popular “tri-headed sausage” search)
• Vegetarianism
• Second head infected with Beeblebroxitis

Eat

Name: Eat

iStock Photo Description: Happy future of food industry and general consumerism.

Downloads: 1

Select Keywords: Pharmacy, Eating, Futuristic, Thinking, The Future, Healthcare And Medicine, Concepts, Risk, Table

Why Vote For It:

• Cryptic yet accessible name & ironic description bring much-needed pretension to iStock
• Polarizing political stance, without pesky “insight”
• Candy, Cake, Doughnut… Marzipan? (Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Lübecker, but that’s pretty specific)
• Exclusive: XSmall version costs 20 credits! That’s 20 sad oranges!

What’s Holding it Back:

• Why so serious?
• Expensive: XSmall version costs 20 credits! That’s 20 Carnivore Dominance vs. Vegetarian Submissions!

Oh my gosh!

Name: Oh my Gosh!

iStock Photo Description: A young woman gasps in shock as another kisses a bear.

Downloads: 4

Select Keywords: Homosexual, Bear, Mascot, Sensuality, Leather, Little Girls, Alcohol, Touching, Ohio, Female, Women, gosh

Why Vote For It:

• Most humorous use of keywords (when I search for “Ohio,” this is definitely the photo I want to find)
• Behind only Sad Orange in number of downloads
• All the prudery of “Gosh” and “gasps in shock” with the twisted kink of “Homosexual, Bear, Mascot, Sensuality, Leather, Little Girls”
• Equally ridiculous companion pieces available
• Goldi-dreadlocks wearing stuffed bear head = deep social commentary
• Classy!

What’s Holding it Back:

• Arguably funnier photo from same series already offending blogosphere
• State of Ohio
• Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt

Carnivore Dominance vs. Vegetarian Submission

Name: Carnivore Dominance vs. Vegetarian Submission

iStock Photo Description: A man wearing a tiger mask (masculine carnivore) holds a raw steak in his hand, trying to force a woman wearing a rabbit mask (feminine vegetarian) to eat meat. Dominance concept.

Downloads: 2

Select Keywords: Tiger, Mask, Rabbit, Slavery, Eating, Vegetarian Food, Men, People, Aggression, Meat, Steak, Kitchen Counter

Why Vote For It:

• Mixed Metaphors = Value-added imagery
• Kicks a single-concept shot’s ass! (I’m looking at you, “Freedom”…)
• Descriptive… description
• Gender war + masks + raw meat = Kitchen counter Lord of the Flies

What’s Holding it Back:

• Poor composition & weird perspective
• Restrictive mask mouth holes complicate raw steak force-feeding
• Kitchen ecosystem cannot sustain delicate balance of tiger-steak-rabbit

And that’s it (for now)!

Cast your vote: cut-off is December 24 at 11:59 PM, because all I want for Christmas is a winner. And a pony.

Update 25/12/2009: Thanks for voting!

The poll is now closed and it’s ‘Oh my gosh!’ FTW

Sweden's number 2 export: body paint. Number 1: thumbs ups.

I for one think the Swedes are commendable for their efforts to fight the inevitable extinction of natural blondes. If we were to map the human genome on an actual map of the world, Sweden would presumably be one big dollop of topographical recessiveness.

Maybe I have a soft spot for the country because a close friend from my time in Ethiopia was half Swedish. She taught me a little, though now I can only remember “Jag måste pinka” (I need to pee) and “Ost” (cheese). Admittedly, that is all I would ever need to survive for months on end in Sweden itself, but I felt the need to learn a little more… Maybe it would make me feel more connected to whatever mystery developer of years past left those telltale Swedish imprints in our code.

So I decided to look up “fail,” which according to Google Translate is most likely “misslyckas” (which is funny enough as it sounds: I wonder if they have a misslyckas blog?) but my hands-down favourite of the supposedly 22 different translations for “fail” is definitely “GÖRA FIASKO.”

Any culture that has 22 different ways to fail must try awfully hard.